Colorado Children's Hospital - Post-Op

Vahe left yesterday afternoon to head back to be with the kids and get a little work done. I had not had one contraction, and so we assumed everything was ok. I couldn't sleep that night - so finally after sneaking off my compression socks and boots I nodded off around 12:30. At 1:30 I woke up wet. Embarrassed, I called the nurse in - assuming my catheter had come out and spilled a bit. She checked, and told me that it was still in fine. She looked at me and I immediately knew what she was thinking - I went into shock and couldn't breathe. A great risk with these types of surgeries is your water breaking and going into pre-term labor. 

After the nurse calmed me down a bit she called in a sonographer who checked on baby, my cervix and tested the fluid. Since there had been very little fluid to begin with, even after the amnio infusion on Tuesday, they really had no expectation of what they wanted to see. There was still a small amount of fluid around the baby, which was reassuring, but again did not indicate anything. My cervix still looked good, they couldn't see any pooling inside, but the test did come back positive for amniotic fluid. They told me that my water had broken, told me that it was not my fault and kept hugging me and telling me they were sorry. I assumed, again, that it was the end.

Luckily Vahe had stopped about a half hour past Grand Junction, and so he was not as far as I expected. I called him, let him know what had happened, and he turned around to come back. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful support in him. 

While l waited for Vahe to come back, the nurses stayed with me and suggested I take an Ambein and anti-anxiety medication - that staying awake in the state I was in wasn't healthy for me or baby. I took just the Ambein and about an hour later still could not rest. So, I took the anti-anxiety and was able to doze off about a half hour after. I was able to sleep for about an hour, then woke up - still tired but with my emotions a little more in control. Vahe got in soon after, at about 6:30 am (let's just not calculate his average speed). 

Around 7:30, the doctor came in - suggesting that it could be possible that the amniotic fluid had leaked from the incision, and wasn't necessarily my water breaking completely. Again, we were given a small amount of hope after we thought all was lost. Of course, a little hope is better than none at all - but it has been so hard to begin coping, then try to regain hope for the best and face it with optimism. This was the third time in two weeks we have been told baby would not survive, then given a little hope that he might. 

They released me, on strict bedrest, and made an appointment to come back in the morning to check back in. We will continue to check in daily until we can have a better indication of how baby is doing before we talk about reattempting surgery. 

Right now I just kind of feel numb - my heart has broken so many times these last few weeks, and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to pick up the pieces. I have stopped hoping for any type of outcome, and am just continuing to hold on to the peace I feel - it really is getting me through this. I pray that baby can feel the love I have for him, and know that we are doing all we can to fight for him.