We wait. Baby will be okay as long as he is still inside. He does not need lung or kidney function, or even amniotic fluid at all to survive in utero. Our hope is that I will make it to close to term. The further we get, the greater our chances of him surviving labor are and the longer he is with us. The last month of pregnancy has always been so miserable for me - but with this sweet baby boy, I will not want to ever end. He will likely live a few minutes, potentially up to an hour after birth. His lungs will remain at around 14-15 weeks development - enough to give him a few breaths of life, but not enough to sustain his body over any period of time, even with medical intervention. I find so much beauty in the fact that as long as we are together, connected, his heart will continue to beat.
We are really doing as well as we can under these circumstances. We have felt a tremendous amount of love and support from friends and family. We feel peace and encouragement through your prayers, there is no doubt. I feel so honored to be able to continue to carry this sweet baby - I know that Heavenly Father needs him more than we do, but is giving us this time with him now until he is called home. It is such a privilege to be trusted with a spirit so needed in Heaven, and I truly feel a special connection with him already that I pray will continue to strengthen throughout this pregnancy.
It is hard, for sure. I cry, a lot. But, I also continue to feel the peace that I have felt so strong through this entire process. I can talk about the baby in normal conversation now and actually really appreciate the questions that people ask - I don't like hiding or ignoring what is happening just because it is a hard topic.
Although it is a very different emotion than I have ever experienced, I am glad that we have this time before delivery to grieve. It may be months until our little guy is born and I hope that by the time he comes I will be prepared to be able to take in the all of the beauty and joy of those few moments that he is with us because we have already processed what is to come.
So for now - we wait. I will continue to go to regular OB appointments, perhaps a little more often than normal to check on baby's heartbeat. With no fluid, there is a greater chance that his umbilical cord could become pinched resulting in early loss of life. We will start planning for delivery, which presents its own complications due to baby's belly size. And, when we are ready, we will start discussing the details of baby's burial. I'm not quite ready to pick out a casket or burial plot for my own baby. But, that time will need to come soon. I want to make sure that everything is prepared before he comes so that we will not have any extra stress while we continue the grieving process after he passes.
We usually don't name our babies until they are here, but this little man needed one sooner: Jude Robert Babayan. Jude, because it's the cutest little boy name. And Robert after my Papa in Heaven who I have felt has been with Jude, by his side, in all that he has already endured.
Again, we cannot thank you enough for your love and prayers. I will continue to occasionally update this blog as the pregnancy progresses. Love you all.